After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body.
The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.
Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!" The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"
The QE2
Back in 1992, as some may recall, the British luxury liner Queen Elizabeth 2 struck a rock in Buzzards Bay off the coast of Massachusetts. An aquaintence of mine knew some of the US Coast Guard crew that were on duty at Castle Hill, RI, that day. According to him this is what was said during the initial radio call. Keep in mind that the radio operator on the QE2 was speaking with a formal British upper crust style and the Coast Guard watchstander was probably some 18 year old kid fresh from a farm in Iowa:
QE2: United States Coast Guard, United States Coast Guard, this is the Queen Elizabeth 2. Over.
USCG: Queen Elizabeth 2 this is Coast Guard Station Castle Hill. Over.
QE2: United States Coast Guard this is the Queen Elizabeth II. We appear to have run aground. Over.
USCG: You're shitting me.
World war II joke
A World War II Royal Air Force pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
(At this point, several of the children giggle.)
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
Colonel clinker
An English P.O.W. is in a German hospital with serious injuries. The doctor comes into his room and says, "The news iss bad. Ve are going to have to amputate your leg." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. But could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't find it to much of a bother to drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and with the commandant's permission, they fulfill his request.
A few days later, the doctor returns into his room and says, "More bad news. Ve are going to have to amputate your other leg." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't mind terribly if he could drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and again his request is fulfilled.
Another week passes, and the doctor returns to his room and says, "Achh! More bad news. Ve are going to have to amputate your arm." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Please do ask your commandant if he could find the time to drop it over my beloved homeland on his next bombing mission?" Sure enough, it is done.
More time passes, and the doctor once again returns and says, "Ze news, she does not get any better. Ve are going to have to amputate your other arm!" The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. It would warm my heart dearly if the commandant could drop it over my beloved homeland on his next bombing mission." The doctor goes off and returns with an agitated look on his face. "The commandant says NO, he vill not do ziss for you. He thinks you are trying to escape!"
Navigational error
Below is a transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. It's your call."
